Time is contagious and everybody's getting old.

(The title is a lyric from Coconut Skins by Damien Rice. I first started listening to him in my first year at university when a girl I was quite close to played it. Nothing much happened with us, she had a boyfriend (story of my life) and liked getting high considerably more than I did. I was sick on her bed once, we slept in my room that night instead. A lot has changed since then but I am still the perfect gentleman and I am still a pathetic drinker. I’ve no idea what she's up to now, probably still speaking Russian and wearing skirts.)

I've never been bothered about getting older. 16 was cool because I could then play the lottery and buy cigarettes. (Still waiting on the jackpot and I've never bought nor indeed smoked a cigarette in my life like). 18 was essential because I'm an August birthday and looked about 12 until I was 20 so could never go out drinking with mates until I had ID. (Having a baby in August by the way is a bit mean. It's in the middle of the six weeks holidays so when you're like six you can't have your friends round for a birthday party because you don't have their phone numbers and then when you're 17 you watch on with jealousy as all your mates start to turn 18 and can go out properly. Luckily for her my mam is class so I have forgiven her.) I didn't care about turning 20, as The Courteeners say, 'You're not 19 forever' and I barely acknowledged turning 21, I went for a run, went for a walk and received a camera to take with me when I was travelling. (Meant to be travelling.)

But I turn 25 next week and I'm dreading it. I don't like the number (the maths geek/OCD weirdo in me doesn't really like multiples of 5) and it feels like a milestone age. The sort of age when you assess where you are in life. And I'm nowhere. The sort of age when you become one of those people you once mocked and make a five year plan. Most 25-year-olds would include things like getting on the property ladder, marrying, kids, that sort of thing. What would mine be? Be able to use cutlery again? Be able to walk properly? Be able to control my bladder properly? That's a five year plan for a baby. (At least I've got talking nailed down, although my sister would probably say at times it would be better if I hadn't. But who cares what she thinks?)

If you're only as old as you feel I haven't a clue what age I am. Physically I feel like an 80-year-old. (I'd like to think I look a lot better than that mind.) In terms of independence I feel like a lazy 15-year-old with a fake ID. I can go out and about okay but I can't cook for myself, can't take my own dog for a proper walk and can't help much around the house. (My jobs are to load and empty the dishwasher, many a plate/bowl/cup/glass has been smashed, and to empty the bins on bin day.) This may sound like a good arrangement but I love cooking, I love walking and I am a bit of a clean freak. (OCD again.) And mentally I transcend the age groups. I'm quite philosophical and often a very deep thinker, however my thoughts closer to the surface are usually total nonsense. (Would you rather be Mr Bump or Mr Tickle? Tough one. If Mr Tickle can choose when and who he tickles then him. If he can't there is a lot of potential to end up on the sex offenders' register. Perhaps such a register does not exist in the land of the Mr Men and Little Miss but that doesn't change the fact that it would be immoral to go around touching up strangers. And if morals didn't exist in this land I'm not sure I'd want to be a Mr Man at all. Anyway, I have very long arms which shake around of their own accord so I would be very good as Mr Tickle but equally I fall over a lot so I'd be an excellent Mr Bump.)

Most of my mates have turned 25 (many are much older, shout out to Mr Moore) and they all seem pretty content with life. I remember speaking to a woman I quite fancied on holiday last year who assured me your 30s are pretty good as well. (She also said her 40s had been good so far, in my defence she still had a cracking figure and looked pretty good for 40 something. And anyway, I was on holiday with my mam, it was hardly a lads holiday on the pull. And she had a husband, see what I mean about having a thing for taken women?) So, what's to look forward to in the coming years?

I guess I actually have much more to look forward to than most 25 year olds. The first such thing is to see an improvement in my physical condition after the bone marrow transplant. Sadly that will take some time and is far from a guarantee so the next year and a half will probably be mostly filled with anxiousness and frustration. But hopefully I will get better and I can look forward to the things I miss so much. Going for a walk is the thing I miss most. 

"Above all do not lose your desire to walk. Everyday I walk myself into a state of well being and walk away from every illness. I have walked myself into my best thoughts and I know of no thought so burdensome that one cannot walk away from it. Thus if one keeps on walking everything will be all right."

Soren Kierkegaard 

This quote meant a lot to me in the years preceding my diagnosis and still does. MS is not an illness I can simply walk away but if I could walk properly I'd give it a hell of a good go. The fact I cannot go for a walk upsets me every day and I cannot imagine anything that will give me greater pleasure in the coming years than walking uninhibited. (Walking is not a sport though. I love the Olympics but the 20KM walk, really? The 'athletes' look like a duck on ecstasy waddling about in fast forward.)

And then once I am stronger I still have all the things normal people have to look forward to. Moving out of my parent's house, returning to employment, being able to socialise more easily and less self-consciously, meeting 'the one', having children, enjoying life once again. (And hopefully more short term, as I said, I'm still waiting on that jackpot win.)

I suppose turning 25 isn't that bad after all. It's just another day and every day gone is a day closer to me realising these prospects.

Okay, only because you're all asking. My birthday is Tuesday 23rd August. I like Desperados or Corona and my favourite chocolate is 100% dark. (Admittedly I prefer drinking green tea and eating veg but that's not exactly celebratory. I think I only prefer those lagers because I can stick a bit of lime in the bottleneck.)