Peel the label, tell a fable.

Peel theI said I would write a blog on my philosophesis in life towards the end of last year. Here it is. If you're particularly religious and easily offended then I'd recommend you stop reading. And if you're one of those people who like to languish in faux outrage you should stop reading as well. (Or better yet, you should lighten the fuck up.) This blog may be some or all of ignorant, dismissive and disrespectful and for that I apologise. It also contains some choice language but that's pretty in keeping with everything else I've written/said. For the following please think of me not as Patrick but as Plato.

I will start with faith. I think there are five types of faith:
1) Faith from familiarity: I was raised as a Christian so were I to follow a religion it would most likely be Christianity. If I were raised a Muslim, it would be Islam. That's not to say I think God is more plausible than Allah or vice versa, it's just because that's what I know.
2) Faith from optimism: I think some people believe in the hope that their faith will be rewarded and their lives will get better.
3) Faith from fear: I think some people are scared that if they said they didn't have faith then things would get worse.

(Two and three would make for a pretty lousy God. If God could help but was only willing to if we adorn him with praise then he would essentially be a prostitute, albeit a hooker offering different services in exchange for a different currency. And I've never heard of anybody who's got an STI from God either.)

4) Faith from belief: Undoubtedly a lot of people do genuinely believe in a God.
5) Faith for comfort: It's nice to think there is somebody out there who is listening to us during times of difficulty. I think everyone has this faith to an extent, we all wish for something and I think it is this faith we are wishing to.

That all sounds very negative but I do not mean it to be so. I have faith, just not religious faith. I believe in a 'God', a higher power. I don't believe this God made the world in seven days, or that this God is a he, and certainly not that this God has a big white beard. I believe in dualism; I think the soul is separate from the body and will continue to live beyond our earthly lives. (Which is why I'm such a good person, I know I cannot rely on my good looks forever.)

Next, religion. Though I am not religious I think religion can be and is a great force for good. At the heart of most religions is community, compassion and charity. Would the world be a better place without religion? Absolutely not. It would be far more lonely and far less kind. (Would my Sunday mornings as a child have been better without religion? Absolutely. I could have stayed in bed.)

My unease with religion is all of the ritual and worshipping of a God. Qualities are attributed to someone, something, we know nothing about. If you believe and it helps you then all the better for you, if you do not believe then it all seems a bit nonsensical. I think it's a story that got a little out of hand but the moral message still stands. (I imagine Jesus and his disciples had a lock in at the pub one night and thought it would be a laugh. The bottles probably didn't have labels on back then but a fable was told all the same.)

Next, moral behaviour. Don't be a cunt. That's all you need to do. Cunt-ish behaviour incorporates so much of the evil, selfishness and cruelty that occurs in this world of ours. Of course there are degrees of such activity and it takes many forms but it is in essence being a cunt and the world would be so much better without it.

Next up (nearly there), justice. I don't believe justice or fairness exists in this world. That makes me sad but it is honestly how I feel.

Finally, happiness. Until you find it, life is the pursuit of happiness and once you have found it, enjoy, cherish and spread happiness. Smile, laugh, appreciate life, find beauty in everything you can. What ever you believe one thing is true; no one leaves this world alive so make the most of it. True happiness will never necessitate you breaking your moral responsibilities. Surrounding yourself with the people you love most makes you happy. (Admittedly alcohol can make you happier still.)

That was all a bit serious. I imagine these musings will one day be studied as part of an A-Level in Philosophy. Perhaps I will one day be thought of as highly as the likes of Socrates,  Kant and Descartes. Or perhaps you all think I'm even stupider than you already did. But if so don't say anything nasty or else, as per moral behaviour above, you would in fact be declaring yourself as a cunt.

Fix Up, Look Sharp

Part I: Fix Up

I'm getting better. I've known it for the last month or so but haven't really acknowledged it. It's slow, almost unnoticeable, but I am growing stronger. And I should make mountains out of these molehills because you have to be able to walk before you can run.* In April once the nurse had returned my stem cells he said, 'You are now reborn.' I didn't really understand what he meant, partly because I was naive as to how long a process my recovery would be and partly because he was a little eccentric so it wasn't out of character to dramatise the event. But now I realise my body has to repair itself and my immune system must learn how to protect me. (An excellent start would not be to attack itself as it did to get me into this mess.)

(That was the same nurse who referred to me as 'Patrick my darling', until in the midst of a particularly unpleasant fever I said, 'I'm not your fucking darling', from which point I was 'Patrick my dear.' Lovely bloke as it happens, if ever you see a rotund, almost certainly gay, Iranian man with a great fondness for cake in central London buy him a slice on me please.)

Next, I'm getting the Deep Brain Stimulation towards the end of December (20th)! This is potentially amazing, it means my tremors will hopefully stop when the battery is turned on in early January. That would mean I am able to rejoin the workforce which would be massive for my self esteem. (And I can start repaying some of the money I owe to the NHS in taxes, it will certainly be over £100,000 by now.) I will also be able to lead a much more normal life and even drink a pint without a straw! (Although in truth the tremors have been slightly useful when it comes to drinking. I always get bottles of lager while everyone else gets a pint so I drink less than they do and it is a little less apparent how much of a lightweight I am.)

It's not quick, it's not fun but I am beginning to fix up.

Part II: Look Sharp

No improvement required. My good looks (and modesty) are amongst my greatest assets.

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A short blog. I really only wrote it so I could make a sarcastic comment about being a little bit attractive. And Fix Up Look Sharp by Dizzee Rascal is a brilliant track. (Admittedly it's pop, not hip-hop.)

* To waste a bit more of all of our time I thought I'd whinge about something. I hate sayings/phrases being used in the middle of conversation. I hope you realised in the sentence ending in an * above I used two common sayings. What's the point in them? 

A few more examples:
1) Try everything once: I went to Gay Pride in Sunderland a few weeks back. I was meant to be volunteering at the City of Culture stall but I didn't know where it was. I walked up and down the street by myself looking for it, Hey Big Spender was blasting out of the speakers when a man in drag and on stilts asked me if I'd like a photo. I decided that would be a good time to leave. Try everything once? No thanks.

2) Back to the drawing board: Are you an artist? No? Shut up then.
3) Boys will be boys: He's acting the twat, something which, unbelievable though it may sound, isn't a pre-requisite of being mail.

4) It takes two to tango: Someone's slagging it about.

I like to be open and honest and I like others to be the same with me. (Unless you're being nasty, then I don't want to talk to you at all.) I can be and I am tactful if necessary. ('Do I look fat in this?' type scenarios.) But why use a phrase when you could just openly say what you're trying to say anyway? If something could be misunderstood then someone will misunderstand it, some people aren't the sharpest tools in the shed. (Obviously that was irony, I of course mean some people are stupid.)