Cry me a river.

The title of this blog refers to either Michael Bublé's cover or Justin Timberlake's own version of the song. If you don't recognise these two men as cool then you don't know cool. (Though clearly neither do I judging by what will follow in this post.) I was undecided whether or not to publish this particular blog but the reaction to my previous posts and my total lack of an embarrassment gene (as you've probably gathered by now) means I am happy to share this with you.

I suffer with two medical conditions. MS (have I told you about that?) and Seasonal Affective Disorder, or as it is appropriately abbreviated, SAD. This is also sometimes referred to as 'winter depression'. In short, when the sun's not shining I'm not happy. (Remember that travelling I was going to do? Well I was going to meet a fit Australian girl and get a marriage visa too.) I hate the rain, the cold and the dark mornings and nights. I know very few people like these but for me, they used to send me into despair. I didn't sleep properly, avoided socialising and became compulsive about things. Basically, I was a bit of a not nice person.

(I was going to use a far more emotive word there but my mam said I couldn't and she's the boss. Siri recognised it though. Siri's voice recognition says a lot about my language. I once said in a message,'i've walked the dog' and it wrote, 'i've fucked the dog.' I was just flattered Siri thinks I can fuck at all.)

I only realised SAD is an actual medical condition during my penultimate year of university. None of my friends from home will know that I have this, they probably just think I'm more difficult to get hold of or something during the winter. Living in Manchester it became clear something was wrong. It probably didn't help that Manchester must be the rainiest place on earth! I am so grateful that my university mates put up with me during the winter months. I know living with me was a nightmare so a massive thanks to Matt. It was probably made easier for him that he is a great looking guy. Everything is easier when you look that good I imagine.

On reflection, I have suffered from SAD all of my life. As a child all I wanted to do was play outside, and when winter arrived I couldn't and that made me sad. Even as an adolescent, I was happier chasing balls (rugby, football, cricket balls I mean!) than girls. (Given my tubby frame as a teenager I was equally bad at both to be honest.)

Depression, in whatever guise, is a truly awful condition. To anybody who hasn't seen this before, I'd ask them to watch this video:

http://youtu.be/XiCrniLQGYc

The video talks about depression. The first time I watched it I cried. They were tears of comfort. I realised I wasn't alone and I needed to seek the help of my family, my friends and medical professionals.

For the last three years, I have taken antidepressants between October and March. People often think antidepressants are 'happy pills'. They're not, they just allow me to be myself. I still don't like the winter, still hate it in fact, but now I am not scared of it. I will still socialise, still sleep and still enjoy life. I sometimes wish I'd had antidepressants during the winter all my life, but as Rafiki would say, 'It doesn't matter, it's in the past.' (If you are under 30 and don't get that reference then you're dead inside.)

I said in a previous post that all that matters is happiness. If that means taking antidepressants when it rains, then fine. I suppose it is not true that I suffer from two medical conditions, in fact I suffer from one and deal with another.

I realise this blog doesn't portray me as the funnest of people but I am! It's just sometimes I wish I was a hedgehog and could hibernate for the winter. Plus, in the summer I am happiness personified. It's like I'm on pills constantly. (Ecstasy this time, and not cut with any rubbish either.) If you ever want to know the real me, you probably need to catch me on a rain free May morning. We can go for coffee and you can tell me everything personal/embarrassing about yourself as I have for you over the course of my last few posts. (Did I mention I go on sunbeds? I look better with a tan! There, that's everything.)

I wanna be adored.

Choosing to title my posts with song names or lyrics has put an unexpected pressure on me. I need to show I have a diverse taste in music that is as cool as I am. (Come on, this is my fourth blog, surely you've realised how sarcastic I am by now?) This week The Stone Roses next week who knows, maybe Dido? (After all, 'there will be no white flag above my door', I'm going to beat MS.)

I'll admit it, I wanna be adored. I think everyone does, I'm just vain enough to say it. (I never play the disabled card but I think my disability is a bit like when a young child's pet dies. Said child gets a bit more leniency from teachers and parents because they're going through a tough time, and so am I, so I get to be a bit more vain, cheeky, flirtatious, that sort of thing. Fair right?) Okay, maybe adored is a bit strong, I mean I don't want to be worshipped or anything but it's not as if there's a song called 'I wanna be liked' is there?

There are lots of things I wish I could do that I perceive as likeable. (Aside from the obvious: seeing, walking, shagging (awful word by the way, sex should be a verb, sexing sounds much better) etc.) I wish I could sing and dance, these are the only two things stopping me from becoming a pop sensation. I'm actually probably a world-class dancer, I've just always refused to dance. (I'll maybe do the first dance at my wedding but only if she's pretty. Which she will be or else we wouldn't be marrying. Vain, remember?) I have tried singing though and I'm definitely not very good at that.

I also wish I was good at telling jokes and stories, these are the only two things stopping me from becoming a stand-up sensation. I once knew a guy who said you need two things in life: a good joke and a good story. Mind, he would say that as he had plenty of both and was great at telling them. (My favourite story being robo-Ho if you're reading Pete.) My problem is that as I approach the punchline/funny bit I break out into hysterical fits of laughter, before being able to tell my eagerly awaiting audience said punchline/funny bit. At least I think I'm funny.

One likeable trait I do possess though is that I am very quick to laugh at myself. (Not just at my stories but  in a self deprecating kind of way.) In general, the British deplore arrogance, dislike confidence, like modesty and adore it when somebody takes the piss out of themselves. I do a bit of each of the latter three but I'm particularly good at the final one. I don't know why we feel a sense of warmth towards self mocking so much but we do. The way I see it is that if you can't laugh at yourself then you have no right to laugh at anything, and life without laughter isn't life at all.

It's also true that laughter is the best medicine. I don't find any part of MS funny but being able to laugh at some of my problems helps me and helps others. The last thing anyone wants to see is somebody moping about, feeling sorry for themselves. If I can laugh about certain aspects of my condition and put others at ease then they'll be more inclined to like me. And if I'm liked, maybe one day I'll be adored.

Keep the car running.

I've now told you everything about me. In order to keep the blog going I realised I needed a new subject. There were many options, from birdwatching (until I realised I have no knowledge of or interest in birds, of the feathered variety at least, and I'm visually impaired, so not much of a watcher) to train spotting (until I realised I have no knowledge of or interest in trains and I'm visually impaired, so not much of a spotter).

I've settled on becoming an unlicensed, unqualified and probably unhelpful psychologist. Give life advice, ask you to think about yourselves, that sort of thing. Be mindful, life advice from an unemployed 24-year-old with no wife or kids and living at home with his parents doesn't come around very often. So firstly, you're welcome and secondly, ignore most of it.

I've also decided that the titles to my posts will be either song names or lyrics. (I realise my last blog was neither but would you rather there was a theme from now onwards or not? Exactly. So shut up!) (And if you're that pedantic, in my new role as an amateur psychologist I'd encourage you to get out more.) Anyway, "Keep the car running."

Being in my position, feeling as though my life is stood still (well the blog still has to be a little bit about me!), I often feel like an observer of, rather than a participator in, life. A fly on the wall of sorts. My sort being better looking than the average fly but much less mobile. (I realise that is the third time in three posts I have referred to my appearance. You know, I didn't realise how good looking I am until I became severely visually impaired. Funny that.)

One thing I observe in a lot of people is that they live their lives as though they are driving on a motorway. Cruise control, full speed, not seeing what is around them. It's easy to fall into routine in life, but sometimes we need to pull over onto the hard shoulder, get out the car and look around, appreciate what we have and ask ourselves, "Am I happy?" If the answer is yes, appreciate life all the more and if the answer is no, make a change, get back in the car and change direction. I think (and this is my blog, so what I think is factually correct) there are two things important in life: being happy and not hurting others. If the first doesn't impede the second (and if it does, you're a bit of a psychopath, which I can say because I'm a psychologist remember!) then you should do everything you can to be happy. 

Happiness depends on many things, and different things for different people. For me it's my family, my friends, my independence, exercise, the sun, getting cured of MS, falling in love, marrying, having children, getting a job. I can't control all of these things immediately, but the things we can control we must. Happiness is everything.

(IMPORTANT: When you get out of the car, remember to keep the car running. In this analogy of life, switching off the engine is equivalent to jumping off a bridge. Don't do that!))

Maybe if I'd pulled over after about a fortnight of university and asked myself, "Am I happy?", I'd have realised I have very little interest in maths and maybe even changed to a creative writing course, thereby doing us all a favour as I'd have half a clue about how to write a blog! Or maybe I'd have switched to medicine, realised I have MS much quicker than I did and found a cure by now. (I'm clever like that!) All I'm suggesting is try it. Either you'll realise there is a change you can make that will make you happier, or you'll realise your life is brilliant and appreciate that a little more.

So there, that was my first foray into psychology. I know you're all probably thinking one of two things. Either, "Wow, I bet he was really baked when he wrote that.", but sadly you'd be wrong. Cannabis is not something I can get for medicinal purposes and my days of illegal drug taking ended at university, probably stood outside of Sankeys or Warehouse Project at about 0600, wide eyed and in love with everybody. Or, you're thinking, "He clearly doesn't know what psychology is.", and with that I am in total agreement!

MS update: I still have MS.

Disclaimer:  If you take heed of my advice and realise you are not happy, and decide to leave your job/partner etc and then your life is ruined, you end up jobless, homeless and with a heroin addiction then I take no responsibility. I told you to ignore my advice right at the start! If on the other hand, you realise how happy you are, I take full credit.

Would you rather ...?

To relieve boredom and waste some time, I often come up with would you rather questions. Usually they are hypothetical and ridiculous. Some examples:Would you rather be a lion with a quack or a duck with a roar?
Would you rather always speak like Daffy Duck or like the Cookie Monster?
Would you rather be a vegan for a year or a vegetarian for life?
See the end for answers!
We all face would you rather situations every day in our lives. Some trivial (Would you rather eat chicken or anything else in the world for tea?), others are much more important (Would you rather stirfry or grill the chicken?!). I was blown away by some of the comments to my first blog. It's lovely to be described as an inspiration, but in truth when I was diagnosed I was faced with a Would you rather question. Would I rather get on or give up? Be hopeful or despairing? Be appreciative of what I have or despondent about what I do not?
For each of the above, I tried the latter to begin with. For the first year, I gave up. I didn't see friends much, didn't go out much, in fact, apart from swim I didn't do very much at all. That got me nowhere. So I made a conscious decision to change. My friends and family probably don't realise this, but two occasions in particular helped me come to terms with the disease.
The first was when I went to Manchester on the coach to meet up with my friends from uni. I got very drunk, pretty early on (some things will never change!) And my night (evening?!) ended with my sister collecting me from Nando's! This was so important to me though because I got to Manchester independently and I saw my uni mates and they treated me no differently. We got on the beers, had a laugh and took the piss. I even fell over. Things were just like they always have been!
The second occasion was the christening of my cousin's daughter. I had a couple of beers (and I mean literally two, and therefore I was a bit pissed!) and had a crack on with anybody who'd talk to me. (So by the end I was probably sat there talking to baby Etta because everybody else was bored of me!) Being surrounded by my family and enjoying the day meant I didn't even think about my condition. I realised I have MS, MS does not have me.
In short, the reasons for my positive outlook in life are my friends and family. Would you rather be rich, beautiful (and I mean a straight 10 out of 10, not languishing in the 8s like me!) and have perfect health, or love and be loved by your family and friends? I know my answer, and I am lucky enough to have it. (Did I notuytsay earlier? You can't have both in this game!)
MS update (there should be some point to this blog!):
Day to day nothing much changes. In terms of walking, shaking and general energy I have bad days and worse days! I'm going to the hospital later this week. As part of the treatment I received in February, I have to go to the hospital every month for five years for blood tests and to give a urine sample (try pissing into a small bottle when you're visually impaired and your arms shake constantly!). It's a bit of a nuisance but it does mean I get to see my MS specialist nurse, Barbara. I call her Babs, but never to her face because I'm a bit scared of her! She thinks, speaks and moves around at 100 mph but she is brilliant. Since my diagnosis she has given me so much time, care and support and I honestly don't think there is a better, more hard-working or passionate nurse in the NHS.
Next week, I have an appointment at the RVI hospital in Newcastle. It's just for some tests ahead of surgery next summer. I am getting deep brain stimulation treatment to hopefully help with my tremors. The consultant described it as non-too-invasive brain surgery which sounds slightly oxymoronic but I'll roll with it!
Thanks again everybody for the incredible response to my first blog. The heartfelt comments were really touching and it's nice that we can all take strength from each other. I hope this post hasn't been a case of second album syndrome (i.e. massive disappointment!). I'll think of something else to talk about in the coming days/weeks (Hopefully not about me, vanity is not an attractive quality!) and be back to write about it then! Oh, and remember, sharing's caring so please continue to spread the word (I'm pretty sure that's how the bible started out!)
Finally, I would like to offer my thoughts to the family and friends of all those killed in the Paris terrorist attacks on Friday, and indeed to the loved ones of all victims of terrorism around the world. To commit acts of terror in the name of religion is deplorable. Would you rather love or hate? The answer is so obvious to anybody with any sense of morality. To any person in fact. Those that choose to hate, and they come from all faiths, races and nationalities, are not human. They are evil and nothing else.
Answers:
A lion with a quack. A roaring duck would just scare the other ducks. Plus, a good natured, quackng lion could make millions on the variety circuit. Britain's Got Talent winner for sure.
Cookie Monster. Daffy Duck spits when he speaks. No one likes a spitter. (Innuendo? I don't know what you mean.)
Vegetarian for life. I don't think I could last a day without milk let alone a year. I would miss chicken though. A lot.

Hello... It's me.

Hi! I'm Patrick, I'm 24 and I have MS. I've decided to start writing a blog. Not because I think many people will read it (maybe my mam and my dog, but my dog can't actually read) but in the hopes it may be therapeutic for me, and at worst it'll kill a bit of time. For reasons that will become self evident I am using Siri to write this so apologies for any nonsensical words/grammar. (Nonsensical ramblings will be all me though!) This first post will be pretty long winded as I'll tell you about me and my MS, but any future blogs will be much shorter, mainly because I don't do very much!

I was diagnosed with MS on 12 May 2014, six days before I was due to fly to Bangkok and begin travelling for a couple of years. C'est la vie. My eyesight is how I realised something was wrong. It became very blurred and I struggled to read, recognise people, cross roads, that sort of thing. In July of last year I was registered as severely visually impaired, or blind. Over the next few months lots more went wrong. I'm now at a point where I struggle to walk far (I use a walking stick even for short distances), my balance is terrible (it's like being drunk all of the time!), I have uncontrollable intention tremors in both arms (I eat with a spoon, drink with a straw, can't write, type or even balance anything), I struggle to get an erection (which I'm told is very common for men with MS. If you're a lady with MS and struggle to get it up, you've got bigger problems than just MS!) and I suffer terribly with fatigue. In short, MS isn't very nice at all.

Now for some good news,of which there is plenty. I have a wonderfully supportive family. I live at home with my mam and dad (Pops). I find my old man unimaginably frustrating at times. Of course I do, he's my dad! But I know he loves me immensely and would do anything for me (maybe not clean up after himself in the kitchen though!). My mam is perfect. I know you will all say you have the best mum, but you don't, I do! She's my best friend and I say that without an ounce of embarrassment. My sister lives in Manchester. I know she thinks about me and wishes things were different. My auntie is brilliant too. She's extremely generous with her time, driving me round to different hospitals across the North East and she loves me hugely. Next, I have brilliant friends. My MS is difficult for everybody. Some mates prefer not to mention it, others will speak about it and ask questions. Both are fine with me. When I was diagnosed I was scared I would become alienated but in fact the opposite is true. People say you can only carry four or five really close friends throughout your life and although I don't see them as often as I'd like, I am hugely grateful for that handful I carry. And the others? Yeah, they're pretty class too.

Another reason for thanks, optimism and hope is that I am British. We, the British, are blessed with the greatest health care system in the world, the NHS. And it's free! I have received tremendous care from the staff at Sunderland Royal Hospital. I have undergone treatment so that my condition will not deteriorate further. This treatment would not have been available even two years ago, maybe if there is a good time to get MS it's now! Research is ongoing and scientists are hopeful restorative treatment will be available in the coming years.

Restorative treatment could mean I am 'cured' and in truth, that is what I am holding out for. MS is not a terminal disease but I know I cannot die naturally with MS. I can't hold out for that long. When I was first diagnosed, I thought my life was over. My mum and I looked at Dignitas, the assisted dying clinic in Switzerland. My independence, mobility and freedom mean everything to me. I used to run between 50 and 60 miles a week, I'd walk as often and as far as possible and generally loved to be outdoors. To now not even be able to walk along the coast kills me inside. I swim 1200m every day but it's not the same. I can't work due to the wide range of my disabilities and so life is very monotonous. Even with my pet dog Bamboleo around, I am bored. Lonely. 

That said, I am happy. I am very comfortable with the person I am. Strangely, much more so than before I had MS. I am sociable,  positive and even quite funny (Can't you tell? This blog has been a total barrel of laughs!). I am a solid 8 out of 10 looks wise (And if you can't see that, maybe you're the blind one!), And I have a first in maths from the University of Manchester. Basically, when this restorative treatment comes, I am ready to start living life. But I need it to come, and come quickly. Currently, I am existing, not living. I want to be out in the world, contributing to society and starting a family. Leading a normal life.

If you've read all of this, thank you. And sorry, you'll never get that few minutes back! If on the off chance you found this blog anything but a waste of time, please share it with others. Friends, family, strangers. I'll talk to anyone!

As I say, any future posts will be much shorter and probably not about me! More of a social commentary or satirical swipe at the goings on in our world.  I'll end with the title of my favourite song, 'Don't Worry Be Happy'. Life isn't perfect, nothing is. We all have our battles to face but equally, we all have reason to be joyful at times.