Needless to say that isn't what this blog is about.
What are you scared of? I think most people are afraid of something. Almost all fears are irrational. I heard someone on the radio recently say they are 'petrified of sharks'. Just don't go in the sea then, it's not like sharks are going to kidnap you while you are shopping and hold you to ransom! Most fears are just a strong disliking to something too. My sister and my best mate (Will) both really don't like butterflies. (That one's irrational too. I mean The Butterfly Man would make a really rubbish villain in a superhero film.) Bamboleo's scared of loads of things. He acts the hard man but turn the hoover on and he runs away shaking. Apparently it's best to face your fears head on but I've tried that and I wouldn't recommend it. (Unless you're scared of chicken. In which case go eat some chicken. It's good.)
(You'll have realised I have cleverly diverted the conversation to chicken. As an aside I'd like to propose an idea. Chick-atarian. Apart from chicken I'm pretty much a vegetarian. In fact, I'm pretty much a vegan since I was told I was lactose intolerant just before Christmas and should cut out dairy from my diet. This by the way was an exceptionally cruel blow. I have MS, I don't have a job, I don't have a girlfriend and now I can't drink proper milk! Anyway, vegetarians who eat fish have a special title (Pescetarian) so why can't I? And it's not like chicken is a real meat anyway. Who's ever seen a hen have sex? I think they grow from the ground, just next to broccoli. Plus, a chick-atarian doesn't need to be as disciplined as a vegetarian. Lamb curry every now and then is fine. And so is fish.)
Back to being scared. My hypothetical question asking doesn't stop at Would You Rathers. I cover a very diverse range of subjects, admittedly most of them stupid. I once asked my mam what was her greatest fear? (Aside from the obvious of her really amazing son coming to any harm.) I can't actually remember what she said (I have a habit of asking questions and not listening to the reply!) but I know what I said when she asked me the same question. I replied, 'Getting MS.' It sounds unbelievable but it's true. I feel stupid now because back then (summer of 2012) I didn't even know what MS really is. But I knew MS would inevitably lead to a loss of my independence and my ability to be so active and I suppose really that was my greatest fear. For the last 21 months I have lived my nightmare. I hate everything about the disease. Ever since I first went into hospital (28 April 2014) I wished I had a brain tumour rather than MS. I would have taken any chance of survival over this condition. That is selfish and I feel guilty for feeling that way, but it's true. A letter from a senior doctor recently described me as having 'rapidly progressive relapsing remitting multiple sclerosis'. I felt sick.
One day though I will beat MS. And when I do, however that victory comes, I will be scared of nothing. My eyesight will almost certainly never be perfect again. But that's okay. I can't read or see in great detail but I can still go where I want to go (if I could walk properly!), I can still look out to sea on a clear day and appreciate how beautiful the world can be and most importantly, I can still spot a pretty girl. (Admittedly I need to be slightly closer to her but if she's that pretty that's no bad thing.) All of my other symptoms though I believe will be fixed and when they are I know I will have conquered my fears.
And hopefully that day is not very far away. I have an appointment at Hammersmith hospital in London to finalise details and dates for a treatment that was the feature of a recent Panorama documentary. Only six people are to receive this treatment initially and I am first in line so I feel extremely fortunate. The appointment is on 23 February and I'll be able to give you more details after then.
