I could go on for hours and I probably will.

You know when you decide to watch a film but can't choose what to watch? This blog is a bit like that; I want to write one but don't really have much to say. With films you often go to a default; for example girls might choose The Notebook or Dirty Dancing, and lads may choose Die Hard or Rocky. (Assuming we live in a girls wear pink, boys wear blue, girls like dolls, boys like cars sort of world.) If that pattern of reverting to default mode transcends topics I will probably start talking about how good looking I've made up I am or whinge about something. Probably a bit of both and by the end of the blog we'll all almost certainly agree that I should have just watched a film instead. (My go to films are Disney or Garden State.)



First up, the DBS. It's been delayed. Again. Why? The neurosurgeon is going on holiday. Wonderful. It's only an extra two weeks to wait though; my new date for surgery is 18 April. I went for a final consultation on Monday and they seem increasingly less optimistic about how much good this will do unfortunately. But they're willing to try it and so am I so we'll see what happens. At the very worst I will have a battery in my chest and some wires in my brain. I've decided to call the device Eva. (From the film Wall-e, one of my go to-s, because if it works Eva will teach me how to dance like in the film, or at least use cutlery. The two are probably interchangeable although I admit the latter would make for a pretty rubbish film.)



I've been speaking to a couple of people at the Virgin Money headquarters in Gosforth and they have some temporary contracts coming up. Everybody I have spoken to has been very welcoming and speaks very highly of the bank so I I am very hopeful. My CV has been put forward for these roles and hopefully I'll get an interview within the next couple of months. The caveat? The DBS needs to work; using a mouse and keyboard and being able to write are pretty inescapable in an office job. The other condition is of course firstly getting an interview and then being offered a job. I've had three years out of work now and have talked absolute nonsense for most of it. I suppose it's a blessing in disguise having the DBS just to make sure there is still a brain in there.



There has been one mind blowing development of late; I've begun my modelling career. (I know, only just begun, mind blowing right?) Well, it's more of a job than a career at this stage. And it's unpaid. But it still counts! Basically, a final year photography student has decided to do her end of year project on the emotional challenges of MS and how they are actually very reflective of the emotional challenges faced by everyone. We all cry, laugh, get bored, socialise at different times in our lives.  I know what you're thinking and I must admit I was a little disappointed when I found out this student has a husband and two children but she is very nice all the same. I think she may be a little shy so I will not tell you that her name is Katherine and shortly after our first meeting she went to Debenhams after a mixup at the till with some knickers on a previous visit. She likes to take photos of me doing the day-to-day activities I do. As they say, if the face fits.



Next, I have a secret to tell you: somewhere, deep down within me, knows I am not the best looking man on the planet. I'm worried that I come across as the most arrogant, delusional prick imaginable when I go on about how great I look. It's a joke, and a coping mechanism. Don't get me wrong, I look pretty fantastic but there are probably better looking men out there. In truth, I'm not even the best looking one amongst my friends or possibly even my extended family. (Absolutely definitely am within the house though!) A lot of my self-confidence is actually to mask how much I hate the MS. Plus, if I say it often enough some people will start to believe me!



Finally, as promised,  a whinge. They've been talking on the radio about esports. This is playing sport-based computer games and apparently esport is set to become the fifth most popular sport in the world within a couple of decades. Shut up, you're sat in your underpants by yourself playing on the computer. That's not a fucking sport. Is there an Olympic gold medal for Spiro the Dragon? No.



(The title is a line from Town Called Malice by The Jam. Great record.)

Shake It Out

This post will undoubtedly come across as a massive whinge but actually it is intended to inform. Inform you of how frustrating, restricting and demoralising intention tremors are. So yeah, it's a massive whinge.

Basically I have no tremors when I am sat still but as soon as I try to do something my arms and hands begin shaking. The harder I try the more they shake. A bit like a staring contest: the fact you are trying not to blink makes you want to blink all the more. I say "a bit like" because not blinking for a while isn't really comparable to dexterity.

I am (Was?) right handed. Predictably the tremors are worse on my right hand side. Sod's law. (By the way, who is Sod? And who put him in charge? He's clearly a dick.) I have tremors in my legs, torso and head sometimes as well. I'm like a vibrator you can't switch off!

A list of things I either cannot do at all or struggle to do:

Use cutlery (see video on Facebook)
Cook
Use scissors
Drink (see video on Facebook)
Brush teeth
Pay with cash
Use Chip and pin
Withdraw money from a. cashpoint
Write
Use a computer mouse
Use a keyboard
Use a touch screen
Zip up a jacket
Button up a shirt
Tie shoelaces
Tie a tie
Put a key into a doorlock
Carry anything that could spill/slip/fall
Shave
Cut finger/toenails

That list is far from comprehensive, I've come to realise we use our hands for pretty much everything. (Apart from walking. Which I'm not very good at either. Can probably blame Sod for that one as well. I bet he's short; this whole 'acting like a twat' is a blatant sign of little man syndrome.)

I'm getting the DBS next month to hopefully fix these tremors and I'm terrified. Not of the surgery, I'd be worried if one of you were drilling into my brain but fortunately it'll be a doctor. I'm terrified of whether or not it is going to work because that is far from guaranteed. My MS consultant doesn't think it will. The team carrying out the procedure are much more hopeful. I'm getting the latest hardware, directional leads, in my brain which they think will really help. (You probably don't know what I mean by directional leads. And if you do would you tell me please?)

These 'directional leads' are not yet MRI compatible though so whatever the outcome I won't be able to have any more treatment for at least 18 months, when they are expected to get MRI approval. And actually, there isn't any more treatment for the tremors out there. I'm sure there will be in time but right now this is my only hope. That's scary.

My mam and dad are stars for just putting up with me: I get hugely frustrated at my lack of independence. Living as I do is not sustainable. Everyone I know is very understanding but I feel totally inadequate. This upcoming surgery is make or break.

This post ended on a bit of a downer so I will have a look for a silver lining to the tremors. Number one, drinking through a straw means no tea/coffee touches my teeth so they stay nice and white. Number two, I have a genuine excuse not to do any DIY. Once the tremors have been fixed then I will have to make one up because I am completely useless at anything like that. As far as I'm concerned a spirit level is how much vodka I've drunk.