And if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you've been here before? How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

I think of myself as being an optimistic person; I've had to be over the last couple of years. But I think that optimism is fading. I must warn you this post is far from happy; there are no jokes or even sarcastic remarks. I'd only recommend reading if you are so happy that nothing could bring you down or if you're so sad that nothing could take you down further. It is not though a suicide note; I certainly don't plan to kill myself.

I saw my consultant at Sunderland hospital on Wednesday. She basically said that she doesn't think the DBS will help my tremors much. I knew the results weren't as good for MS patients as for Parkinson's sufferers but she said because I have ataxia as well as the tremors the results are even poorer. This was a pretty massive blow; I'd placed all my hopes on this treatment. She did say though that it is worth trying and as far as I'm concerned there is no decision to be made; I have to try it.

And then on Thursday the nurse from the RVI hospital in Newcastle phoned. My surgery has been delayed until March. Apparently the equipment needs a software update and they've decided to do it towards the back end of December. My surgery would have been next. 

Two days ago I was thinking that my tremors could have been significantly improved by the new year. I thought I would have been able to get a job, move out of my parents' home, start looking for a girlfriend. Now the prospect is of brain surgery in three months and it is likely that will help me very little. I'm fucking devastated.

My life is fucked. I can't write, I can't button up a shirt, I can't use a knife and fork, I can't use a keyboard, I can't cook, I can't even eat a fucking banana without it looking like I'm giving it the world's worst blowjob. And I could handle all of that if I could just go for a proper walk. But I can't do that either.

I want to give up. I get such little enjoyment. I see my friends progressing in life; partners, houses, careers, holidays. I'm genuinely happy for them but I'm incredibly jealous also. And I see the news and all of the evil in the world; I think, "Why me?" There are so many cruel people and life is so unjust. It's Children in Need tonight, I won't be watching. I've donated, as I have to Save the Children and as I will to UNICEF and other charities around Christmas time but I cannot watch it; I am so fortunate in comparison to them and I will only hate myself more for being so desolate about my situation.

At the end of last year I said my condition needed to be significantly better come the end of 2016. It isn't. I've had a bone marrow transplant, the most effective treatment for MS, and I've seen little improvement. The former head of British cycling, Dave Brailsford, talks about marginal gains. These are the things that can make the difference between second and first place to an elite athlete. The improvements I have seen have been marginal gains but I am far from an elite athlete; I am a disabled young man and the gains aren't enough. I cannot help but think about what I once was and of what I could have become. I am the world away from either.

I think perhaps I am generally optimistic (this blog post aside obviously) because optimism is far easier to stomach than realism. Were I a realist I'd probably conclude my life is all but over.

Love On Top

If there're two things this blog has been missing it's content worth reading and a title reference to a Beyoncé song. Well good news! This blog post resolves one (and only one) of those issues.

The idea for this post came from The Guardian's Q&A feature in which they ask people of fame a random set of questions. I like to think of my own answers to said questions, sure in the knowledge I will be asked one day but until then I thought I'd give you all an early preview.

When were you happiest?
Thus far in life happiness for me has always been in the moment rather than an extended period of contentedness. Which moments have I've been happiest? Waking up next to somebody. (All the better when it's a girl, they invariably smell better than any of my mates.) 

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

It used to be trepidation. Growing up I was quite shy. I became much more confident at uni and over the last 18 months or so I've come to realise that actually I'm class. Now, it's obsessiveness. I fall into routine and find it difficult to make changes.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Rudeness. The worst thing anybody could say to me is that they think I am rude. Smiles and manners are so easy yet they make such a difference.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

My eyebrows. I've not got a unibrow but the odd hair does pop up in between them. One good (though sadly short lasting) result of my chemotherapy is that my eyebrows thinned right out, I looked fantastic! 

What did you want to be when you were growing up?

A father. The only thing I have ever really wanted is to have a family. And it still is.

What is top of your bucket list?

To see Coldplay live. Their music reminds me of so many different times in my life, happy and sad. My latest tattoo incorporates artwork from two of their singles. (Tattoos are a great example of my obsessiveness. I went 25 years without getting one and now I've had two within a month and I am getting a couple more in December.)

When did you last cry and why?

Last week. I get frustrated, disheartened and scared about my MS and what the consequences are going to be.

What was your most embarrassing moment? 

Someone on the bus once threw a yoghurt on me. I cried. I was like 14! How didn't I get bullied? Fat, academically clever and evidently not the most thick-skinned of youngsters. Clearly I must have always been Mr Nice.

Property aside, what is the most expensive thing you've brought? 

My road bike. It cost £1600. It's now sat on an indoor training stand in the conservatory. I use it every day for five minutes at a time but it makes me sad every time I look at it. It reminds me of what I once had, of what I once was. I think about travelling to and from work on it, about setting out on a Sunday morning in the summer with no destination in mind and about the journeys I one day hope to make again.

Is it better to give or receive? 

(Always to give but better when she's on top.) 

I prefer to give. And I like it most when I am donating to charity or giving a gift out of the thanks, rather than because that's the done thing. (Christmas etc.)

What do you owe your parents?

Nothing, and everything. Nothing because they love me and I love them and you cannot be indebted in love. They would do anything for me and demand nothing in return. Everything because they have made me the person I am. I define myself by my morals and my personal qualities and neither would be what they are without my parents. 

(Oh, and I nicked 10p from my dad's tin for the bus the other day.)

What keeps you awake at night?

Not much, I sleep pretty well. If you (or indeed I, after all I am both interviewee and interviewer) mean what concerns me then it is the health and happiness of my family, friends and myself. And the abundance of cruelty and lack of compassion in the world.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?

Appreciate it, never take life for granted. We are more fortunate than most and for no good reason, so enjoy life and strive to make the world that little bit better every day.

How would you like to be remembered?

As being happy, because I know I will only be completely happy if my life is centred around the things that mean the most to me: family, friends and kindness.

That might have been a dull read but I don't care, it was extremely cathartic. I would recommend anyone does the same thing, it puts life into perspective a little and helps you to see what is important to you and what you need in your life to be happy. (And clearly in my case that is a girl who makes the most of life, wants children and doesn't mind going on top.)

Peel the label, tell a fable.

Peel theI said I would write a blog on my philosophesis in life towards the end of last year. Here it is. If you're particularly religious and easily offended then I'd recommend you stop reading. And if you're one of those people who like to languish in faux outrage you should stop reading as well. (Or better yet, you should lighten the fuck up.) This blog may be some or all of ignorant, dismissive and disrespectful and for that I apologise. It also contains some choice language but that's pretty in keeping with everything else I've written/said. For the following please think of me not as Patrick but as Plato.

I will start with faith. I think there are five types of faith:
1) Faith from familiarity: I was raised as a Christian so were I to follow a religion it would most likely be Christianity. If I were raised a Muslim, it would be Islam. That's not to say I think God is more plausible than Allah or vice versa, it's just because that's what I know.
2) Faith from optimism: I think some people believe in the hope that their faith will be rewarded and their lives will get better.
3) Faith from fear: I think some people are scared that if they said they didn't have faith then things would get worse.

(Two and three would make for a pretty lousy God. If God could help but was only willing to if we adorn him with praise then he would essentially be a prostitute, albeit a hooker offering different services in exchange for a different currency. And I've never heard of anybody who's got an STI from God either.)

4) Faith from belief: Undoubtedly a lot of people do genuinely believe in a God.
5) Faith for comfort: It's nice to think there is somebody out there who is listening to us during times of difficulty. I think everyone has this faith to an extent, we all wish for something and I think it is this faith we are wishing to.

That all sounds very negative but I do not mean it to be so. I have faith, just not religious faith. I believe in a 'God', a higher power. I don't believe this God made the world in seven days, or that this God is a he, and certainly not that this God has a big white beard. I believe in dualism; I think the soul is separate from the body and will continue to live beyond our earthly lives. (Which is why I'm such a good person, I know I cannot rely on my good looks forever.)

Next, religion. Though I am not religious I think religion can be and is a great force for good. At the heart of most religions is community, compassion and charity. Would the world be a better place without religion? Absolutely not. It would be far more lonely and far less kind. (Would my Sunday mornings as a child have been better without religion? Absolutely. I could have stayed in bed.)

My unease with religion is all of the ritual and worshipping of a God. Qualities are attributed to someone, something, we know nothing about. If you believe and it helps you then all the better for you, if you do not believe then it all seems a bit nonsensical. I think it's a story that got a little out of hand but the moral message still stands. (I imagine Jesus and his disciples had a lock in at the pub one night and thought it would be a laugh. The bottles probably didn't have labels on back then but a fable was told all the same.)

Next, moral behaviour. Don't be a cunt. That's all you need to do. Cunt-ish behaviour incorporates so much of the evil, selfishness and cruelty that occurs in this world of ours. Of course there are degrees of such activity and it takes many forms but it is in essence being a cunt and the world would be so much better without it.

Next up (nearly there), justice. I don't believe justice or fairness exists in this world. That makes me sad but it is honestly how I feel.

Finally, happiness. Until you find it, life is the pursuit of happiness and once you have found it, enjoy, cherish and spread happiness. Smile, laugh, appreciate life, find beauty in everything you can. What ever you believe one thing is true; no one leaves this world alive so make the most of it. True happiness will never necessitate you breaking your moral responsibilities. Surrounding yourself with the people you love most makes you happy. (Admittedly alcohol can make you happier still.)

That was all a bit serious. I imagine these musings will one day be studied as part of an A-Level in Philosophy. Perhaps I will one day be thought of as highly as the likes of Socrates,  Kant and Descartes. Or perhaps you all think I'm even stupider than you already did. But if so don't say anything nasty or else, as per moral behaviour above, you would in fact be declaring yourself as a cunt.

Fix Up, Look Sharp

Part I: Fix Up

I'm getting better. I've known it for the last month or so but haven't really acknowledged it. It's slow, almost unnoticeable, but I am growing stronger. And I should make mountains out of these molehills because you have to be able to walk before you can run.* In April once the nurse had returned my stem cells he said, 'You are now reborn.' I didn't really understand what he meant, partly because I was naive as to how long a process my recovery would be and partly because he was a little eccentric so it wasn't out of character to dramatise the event. But now I realise my body has to repair itself and my immune system must learn how to protect me. (An excellent start would not be to attack itself as it did to get me into this mess.)

(That was the same nurse who referred to me as 'Patrick my darling', until in the midst of a particularly unpleasant fever I said, 'I'm not your fucking darling', from which point I was 'Patrick my dear.' Lovely bloke as it happens, if ever you see a rotund, almost certainly gay, Iranian man with a great fondness for cake in central London buy him a slice on me please.)

Next, I'm getting the Deep Brain Stimulation towards the end of December (20th)! This is potentially amazing, it means my tremors will hopefully stop when the battery is turned on in early January. That would mean I am able to rejoin the workforce which would be massive for my self esteem. (And I can start repaying some of the money I owe to the NHS in taxes, it will certainly be over £100,000 by now.) I will also be able to lead a much more normal life and even drink a pint without a straw! (Although in truth the tremors have been slightly useful when it comes to drinking. I always get bottles of lager while everyone else gets a pint so I drink less than they do and it is a little less apparent how much of a lightweight I am.)

It's not quick, it's not fun but I am beginning to fix up.

Part II: Look Sharp

No improvement required. My good looks (and modesty) are amongst my greatest assets.

---

A short blog. I really only wrote it so I could make a sarcastic comment about being a little bit attractive. And Fix Up Look Sharp by Dizzee Rascal is a brilliant track. (Admittedly it's pop, not hip-hop.)

* To waste a bit more of all of our time I thought I'd whinge about something. I hate sayings/phrases being used in the middle of conversation. I hope you realised in the sentence ending in an * above I used two common sayings. What's the point in them? 

A few more examples:
1) Try everything once: I went to Gay Pride in Sunderland a few weeks back. I was meant to be volunteering at the City of Culture stall but I didn't know where it was. I walked up and down the street by myself looking for it, Hey Big Spender was blasting out of the speakers when a man in drag and on stilts asked me if I'd like a photo. I decided that would be a good time to leave. Try everything once? No thanks.

2) Back to the drawing board: Are you an artist? No? Shut up then.
3) Boys will be boys: He's acting the twat, something which, unbelievable though it may sound, isn't a pre-requisite of being mail.

4) It takes two to tango: Someone's slagging it about.

I like to be open and honest and I like others to be the same with me. (Unless you're being nasty, then I don't want to talk to you at all.) I can be and I am tactful if necessary. ('Do I look fat in this?' type scenarios.) But why use a phrase when you could just openly say what you're trying to say anyway? If something could be misunderstood then someone will misunderstand it, some people aren't the sharpest tools in the shed. (Obviously that was irony, I of course mean some people are stupid.)

Scream if you wanna go faster baby.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! If only it was that easy. Not the best of songs either, the Spice Girls were proof that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. I've just Google Image searched them (Leave me alone, I'm bored.) and they looked horrendous! I'm pretty sure I looked cooler than that in the late 90s. In fact I know I did because there is a photo of me in a luminous green Diadora t-shirt. Beckham definitely chose the right one mind. (Of course he did, he's perfect.)

I find myself wishing my life away. Everyone does it to an extent, living for the weekend, willing payday to come sooner, counting down the days until a holiday. It'd be nice to live in the moment but since it's rubbish at the moment I might as well think about the future.

Everything takes sooo long, I feel like I'm in a never ending queue. The British are said to be very good at queueing and it's a good job, let's just say if I was French there'd be a lot of shouting and throwing of beréts. But I'm not, I'm British, so I don't say anything to anybody who could possibly help and instead I just whinge about it in private. It's nice to be nice but unfortunately I think it's probably more productive to be a complete twat.

It's coming up to 6 months since the stem cell transplant and I barely notice any difference. I saw Babs, or Barbara to her face, last week and she said she could see improvements. One of those was in my voice but I hadn't even realised there was a problem with that in the first place. (And I still can't sing. And Siri still doesn't have a clue what I'm saying half the time. And well done you if you said, 'The problem with your voice is that it talks.' Very original.) I saw the physio as well and she's given me some exercises but it's hard to believe they'll help much with my walking. It feels about as productive as putting a plaster on an neck which has had its head chopped off. And the wait goes on for deep brain stimulation. I sound like a broken record but actually I'm much worse, I'm a broken person!

It would be good if you could fast forward, rewind, pause and play life. It took me until the end of that sentence to realise that already has a name, time travelling. Did any of you watch that documentary series Bernard's Watch? (I'm pretty sure it was a documentary. And the Queen's Nose 50p coin exists as well right?) I'd like one of those watches and I'd use it for better things than Bernard ever did, he would pause time if he forgot his homework or something. (And because I was a bit of a geek at school I never forgot my homework so wouldn't need the watch for that anyway. That's right kids, stick in at school, do your homework and maybe you too can become an unemployed 25-year-old living with your parents.)

I wouldn't abuse my new found time travelling capabilities, I'd just travel a few months into the future. It would be a bit like starting a book at chapter 2, I still want mysteries ahead but I'm not really bothered about all this scene setting before anything really gets going. (Or if you're not a reader, a bit like starting a relationship in bed. None of the flirting, texting, dating before you even get to see her boobs.)

There was a slogan on the wall at the gym I used to go to which said, 'The journey is more important than the destination.' What a load of bollocks, journeys consist of waiting around, getting tired from doing nothing and playing I spy. Whatever my destination is it had better be worth this journey. And there had better be boobs.

Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy? Does that make me crazy? Possibly.

I'm getting a tattoo. Nothing crazy about that. Why am I getting it? So I can't go swimming for a week. That's pretty strange.

I'm not good at resting, I'll only do it if I have no choice. I broke my foot at the beginning of 2013 because I was running too much. (Served me right, who runs 12 miles at 6am on New Year's Day? Not me, I broke the foot after about ten miles so had to hobble back home.) That was the only thing that stopped me running for a few months. (But I didn't let them put my foot in a cast, I told them I was flying to Dubai the next day (I wasn't) so they gave me a moon boot instead. With that and crutches I could still walk/swing about a few miles a day at least.) I can do less than one percent of the activity I used to but I do as much as I can every day and it exhausts me. 

I'm like a person who is £100 more in debt at the end of each month, I'm living beyond my means. I only swim (splash about trying not to drown) for about 25 minutes a day but sadly that is enough to tire me. And I insist on going on my bike about four times a day, only for 10 minutes at a time but again this is enough to tire me. I do this every day and the cumulative effect is that I'm constantly weak. Really all I want to be able to do is to walk properly again and the cycling and swimming just inhibit this. (Well, obviously I want to be able to do more than just walk properly but it'd be a good start.)

So being the logical, straightforward thinker that I am I figured if I get a tattoo then I will not be able to swim for a week and the rest will do me good. Obviously I could still swim but then the tattoo would be ruined and I care too much about my body to allow this to happen. That's not vanity, that's taking pride in my appearance. (And I'm a bit vain as well so I definitely won't go swimming.)

(I'm sure a lot of you will be thinking, 'You can't care that much about your appearance, tattoos are rubbish.' I'm not sure I actually disagree with that but as I say, a rest will do me good.)

I've always said that if I were to ever get a tattoo it would have to mean something to me. Assuming I don't get a tattoo of Bamboleo plastered across my forehead (And you can assume that!) one of my options is a lyric I like. Coldplay are my favourite band but most of their songs are about falling in, being in or falling out of love. None of those apply to me so I'm not getting a lyric about a fantasy girl put on me. (And it's a bit gay even if the girl existed.) (Even more gay than getting a lyric tattooed on me in the first place that is.)

So  I've decided to go for:

Hold it in now let's go dancing
I do you believe we're only passing through.

It's a lyric from Time is Dancing by Ben Howard, I think I've used it as a previous blog title. The mantra I take from the lyric means a lot to me and helped me come to terms with my diagnosis.

Next to the quote I am getting a picture of a pebble. (I know, this is sounding more and more rubbish.) The pebble is from the beach in Sunderland, I took it to London with me and held it as I had the stem cell transplant. It comforted me then and reminds me of what I once had and of what I am striving to have again.

This might be an early midlife crisis, I'm not sure. It might look crap. I might regret it. A lot (most?) of you will be thinking, 'That sounds shit.' (Danny I know you definitely will!)

I'm not really bothered. The inside of my forearm has never been my best feature anyway. (There's nothing wrong with it but it doesn't compare to my amazing face.) Really the only potential problem is that I need to figure out how the fuck to dance.

And if it's that bad then I will just get it removed at some point and that would mean another rest. I'm a genius sometimes.

Let's Push Things Forward

A track by The Streets from Original Pirate Material. That's one of the best albums since the turn of the century so I wanted to use a lyric from that as a blog title but most of the tracks are about getting drunk, taking drugs and shagging birds [sic] and I don't think that is an entirely accurate reflection of my current activities. I was going to use the lyric, 'I excel in both content and deliverance so let's put on our classics and we'll have a little dance, shall we?', from the same track but that goes beyond sarcasm and into falsehood. (Only because I'm not much of a dancer, obviously everything I say is amazing.)

I'm bored! Not in a nothing to do right now kind of way but in a nothing to do ever kind of way. I do stuff to pass the time but I'm not going anywhere. I live in a bubble and it's not a glamorous champagne bubble, it's more akin to a dying bubble in a flat bottle of Lambrini. Tasty. (That's no reflection on the friends and family I do see by the way, I enjoy their company muchly!) I need to start pushing things forward in life.

What I really want is a job. Working is much like growing up with a sibling. They are a total nuisance at times but really you know you wouldn't choose to be without them. And in fact it's better, in most jobs you work within a team so you get a bit of chat, which is more than my sister ever gave me! It's the social interaction of working that I crave so much.

Why don't I get a job? Tremors. It's difficult to explain how debilitating they are. Sat still I don't shake but as soon as I come to do something my arms and hands are uncontrollable. Imagine you're stood naked at the South Pole. My tremors are comparable to the amount you'd be shivering. To liven up this scene you can imagine that you're speaking to a penguin, after all I have Bamboleo. But no spooning with a friendly polar bear for warmth, that's cheating.

Before anyone will pay me to work I need to lose the tremors. I'm still on the waiting list for deep brain stimulation. (That 'non-invasive' brain surgery that takes six hours and involves drilling through my skull and putting wires in me.) The doctors are hoping to do that early next year, I don't know why it takes so long, it's only brain surgery, not exactly rocket science is it? (https://youtu.be/THNPmhBl-8I) There's no guarantee that will help the tremors either, it's used mainly for Parkinson's disease. I'll just have to go into it with an open mind (literally) and hope for the best.

Today I have sorted some voluntary work though and I'm delighted! It's with Sunderland Mind. Mind is a national charity which aims to help people with, and remove the stigmas attached to, mental health problems. It'll only be for a few hours a week initially, I'm starting with the writing group and the men's group. I could pick up some tips myself at the writing group and I'll be able to find out what men talk about at the other. Maybe I'll be able to grow a beard then? (I would then immediately shave it off coz I don't like beards but it would be nice to be able to have one.)

I'm also seeing a neurological physiotherapist next week. I'm pretty sure that I have a greater range of movement in my right knee but it feels very unnatural so when I walk I tend to swing my leg rather than lift it from the knee. (Much like a pirate with a wooden leg. Except I don't have a parrot.). I need to relearn how to walk properly as I have become accustomed to a lot of bad habits with my walking over the last 18 months so this will probably be quite difficult. Apparently you should set yourself (achievable) targets. My aim is to walk a mile comfortably and continuously. You have to walk a mile in somebody else's shoes to know how they feel and I might try and steal a pair of Natalie Portman's shoes, I bet she feels really nice.