"Stop dreaming." People who say that are blaspheming.

My last blog post took a turn down Negative Alley. Most of you worried, some of you cried and one female even offered sex if it would cheer me up. (Okay, the last part isn't true.) The post was an accurate reflection of how I was feeling at the time. Fortunately, Negative Alley is more akin to a cul-de-sac than a dead end. I'm not happy with the situation but I am headed back towards a more normal state of mind. Well, as normal as my state of mind gets. (I'm probably at a point in the alley where I'm passing a man who has just found out his wife is having an affair. With his best mate. And she's pregnant. And he's not the father. But he has at least just won £2 on a scratchcard.)

Anyway, that post was more pessimistic than realistic and I'm certainly not a pessimist. This title is from The Streets again. Not being a believer in a God we should worship I'm not sure if blasphemy loses all its meaning but I'm sure you get the idea.

To reassure you all of my stable mindset I thought I'd do something you all know I enjoy: talk about something that annoys me and include some sarcasm and (low quality) wit.

There are quite a lot of things to choose from. Like the fact it's just taken me 40 minutes to cook my fingernails. (Only one bleeder though!) Or sharing a lane at the swimming baths. (I swim like a drowning koala bear. I also have an arm span similar to that of an orangutan.) Or  father! (Love him though I do, I could write a fucking book on things that annoy me about him.)

But my chosen rant today is: Why do people think it's acceptable to tell my dog he's fat? I don't mean nurses at the vets but totally random people as we pass them along the path. It's rude! It's not like Bamboleo can understand them either so really they're saying to me, "Your dog is fat." How am I to reply? Tell them their face is ugly?

He's not even fat! It's not as if he makes craters in the ground every time he puts a paw down. He doesn't waddle along 5 yards behind, pausing for a breather every other step. He's half labrador, he's greedy. He runs about with his tongue on the ground in the vain hope he comes across something edible, of course he's not going to be stick thin. A lady this morning said he needed to lose a stone. A stone! He only weighs 28kg; what would she like me to do? Cut his legs off?

The best is when it's another dog walker and they call him fat before proceeding to give him a treat. That would be like me going up to a mother and her young son, telling her that he's fat and then giving him a Milky Bar! And that's a very good analogy because Bamboleo is strong and tough and only the best is good enough.

Basically stop being rude about my dog! He is the most loving dog in the world and he has held this family together over the last two years. And the vet says he is perfectly fit and healthy. And he is much better looking than any of these people criticising him. And he's faster and stronger than most dogs. And he had his balls cut off before he was one; if he enjoys his food let him have a bit of fun!

I feel much better. And my hair has started to go curly! I'm delighted!

Poetry of the Dead

I occasionally write poems and I'm sick of them cluttering up the notes on my iPad. These are they. I am not claiming that they're particularly good or even worth reading but it's easier storing them here than anywhere else. Most are about me, some are not.

Note: These poems are not exclusively for the dead and nor indeed was I dead when I wrote them. The Frank Turner album just seems like an appropriate blog title.  The poem titles are particularly rubbish.

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Who am I?

I knew him once a short time ago,

We drifted quickly now time goes slow.

He was young full of dreams,
I feel old, empty it seems.

I see him now on the other side,
I'm stood here held by the tide.
We'll meet again when I am free,
Once I was he now he is me.

Stay

Are you winning and are you up?

Are you living and how's your luck?

I hope you'll never fade away,

I hope your smile will always stay.

Night and Day

It is dark, it is cold, it is frightful.

He is lost, he is lonely, he is bashful.

Day is bright, day is warm, day is joyful.

I am me, I am smiling, I am playful.

SAD

(An acronym of Seasonal Affective Disorder.)

Grey is so bleak, and he so weak.

Blue so clear and I without fear.

Rain has arrived, hopelessness is here.

Sun will follow, happiness is near.

Poisoned Medicine

Dusk has fallen, it hasn't begun. He's agitated.

He craves it, he needs it. A release, a fix of sorts.

Short lived but euphoric; an all conquering Demon.

He's disciplined. He can wait just a few more minutes.
"All the better for the delay", he assures himself.

Then it's time. He can wait no more. He rises excitedly.

He enters the room and sees it. He rushes towards it.
His friend, his elixir of life, his reason for being.

He grabs at it and decants his medicine of choice.
Night is approaching and his day has begun.

He inhales and it passes his lips. He comes alive.
He sighs deeply. Relief. Ecstasy. Alcohol.

Time Goes By

Time goes by, the second hand spirals around the face.
It's silent but I hear it, I'm losing this race.

Hope is fading, I'm starved of faith and drowning in doubt.

This is torture of the mind and I need a way out.

I yearn for something, I know not what but I need more.

The chance to resurrect and end this inwards war.

Time goes by, the second hand spirals around the face.
It's silent but I hear it, I must up my pace.

I will endeavour and I will free myself in time.

I am strong, I can beat it and true life will be mine.

This place is cruel and unjust, I don't belong here.
I'll be gone soon, I'll smile wide and be rid of fear.

Time goes by, the second hand spirals around the face.

I'll smile and say, "My battle is won, I've found my place."

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Not exactly uplifting but poems are basically meant to be rhyming misery, right?

And if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you've been here before? How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

I think of myself as being an optimistic person; I've had to be over the last couple of years. But I think that optimism is fading. I must warn you this post is far from happy; there are no jokes or even sarcastic remarks. I'd only recommend reading if you are so happy that nothing could bring you down or if you're so sad that nothing could take you down further. It is not though a suicide note; I certainly don't plan to kill myself.

I saw my consultant at Sunderland hospital on Wednesday. She basically said that she doesn't think the DBS will help my tremors much. I knew the results weren't as good for MS patients as for Parkinson's sufferers but she said because I have ataxia as well as the tremors the results are even poorer. This was a pretty massive blow; I'd placed all my hopes on this treatment. She did say though that it is worth trying and as far as I'm concerned there is no decision to be made; I have to try it.

And then on Thursday the nurse from the RVI hospital in Newcastle phoned. My surgery has been delayed until March. Apparently the equipment needs a software update and they've decided to do it towards the back end of December. My surgery would have been next. 

Two days ago I was thinking that my tremors could have been significantly improved by the new year. I thought I would have been able to get a job, move out of my parents' home, start looking for a girlfriend. Now the prospect is of brain surgery in three months and it is likely that will help me very little. I'm fucking devastated.

My life is fucked. I can't write, I can't button up a shirt, I can't use a knife and fork, I can't use a keyboard, I can't cook, I can't even eat a fucking banana without it looking like I'm giving it the world's worst blowjob. And I could handle all of that if I could just go for a proper walk. But I can't do that either.

I want to give up. I get such little enjoyment. I see my friends progressing in life; partners, houses, careers, holidays. I'm genuinely happy for them but I'm incredibly jealous also. And I see the news and all of the evil in the world; I think, "Why me?" There are so many cruel people and life is so unjust. It's Children in Need tonight, I won't be watching. I've donated, as I have to Save the Children and as I will to UNICEF and other charities around Christmas time but I cannot watch it; I am so fortunate in comparison to them and I will only hate myself more for being so desolate about my situation.

At the end of last year I said my condition needed to be significantly better come the end of 2016. It isn't. I've had a bone marrow transplant, the most effective treatment for MS, and I've seen little improvement. The former head of British cycling, Dave Brailsford, talks about marginal gains. These are the things that can make the difference between second and first place to an elite athlete. The improvements I have seen have been marginal gains but I am far from an elite athlete; I am a disabled young man and the gains aren't enough. I cannot help but think about what I once was and of what I could have become. I am the world away from either.

I think perhaps I am generally optimistic (this blog post aside obviously) because optimism is far easier to stomach than realism. Were I a realist I'd probably conclude my life is all but over.

Love On Top

If there're two things this blog has been missing it's content worth reading and a title reference to a Beyoncé song. Well good news! This blog post resolves one (and only one) of those issues.

The idea for this post came from The Guardian's Q&A feature in which they ask people of fame a random set of questions. I like to think of my own answers to said questions, sure in the knowledge I will be asked one day but until then I thought I'd give you all an early preview.

When were you happiest?
Thus far in life happiness for me has always been in the moment rather than an extended period of contentedness. Which moments have I've been happiest? Waking up next to somebody. (All the better when it's a girl, they invariably smell better than any of my mates.) 

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

It used to be trepidation. Growing up I was quite shy. I became much more confident at uni and over the last 18 months or so I've come to realise that actually I'm class. Now, it's obsessiveness. I fall into routine and find it difficult to make changes.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?

Rudeness. The worst thing anybody could say to me is that they think I am rude. Smiles and manners are so easy yet they make such a difference.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?

My eyebrows. I've not got a unibrow but the odd hair does pop up in between them. One good (though sadly short lasting) result of my chemotherapy is that my eyebrows thinned right out, I looked fantastic! 

What did you want to be when you were growing up?

A father. The only thing I have ever really wanted is to have a family. And it still is.

What is top of your bucket list?

To see Coldplay live. Their music reminds me of so many different times in my life, happy and sad. My latest tattoo incorporates artwork from two of their singles. (Tattoos are a great example of my obsessiveness. I went 25 years without getting one and now I've had two within a month and I am getting a couple more in December.)

When did you last cry and why?

Last week. I get frustrated, disheartened and scared about my MS and what the consequences are going to be.

What was your most embarrassing moment? 

Someone on the bus once threw a yoghurt on me. I cried. I was like 14! How didn't I get bullied? Fat, academically clever and evidently not the most thick-skinned of youngsters. Clearly I must have always been Mr Nice.

Property aside, what is the most expensive thing you've brought? 

My road bike. It cost £1600. It's now sat on an indoor training stand in the conservatory. I use it every day for five minutes at a time but it makes me sad every time I look at it. It reminds me of what I once had, of what I once was. I think about travelling to and from work on it, about setting out on a Sunday morning in the summer with no destination in mind and about the journeys I one day hope to make again.

Is it better to give or receive? 

(Always to give but better when she's on top.) 

I prefer to give. And I like it most when I am donating to charity or giving a gift out of the thanks, rather than because that's the done thing. (Christmas etc.)

What do you owe your parents?

Nothing, and everything. Nothing because they love me and I love them and you cannot be indebted in love. They would do anything for me and demand nothing in return. Everything because they have made me the person I am. I define myself by my morals and my personal qualities and neither would be what they are without my parents. 

(Oh, and I nicked 10p from my dad's tin for the bus the other day.)

What keeps you awake at night?

Not much, I sleep pretty well. If you (or indeed I, after all I am both interviewee and interviewer) mean what concerns me then it is the health and happiness of my family, friends and myself. And the abundance of cruelty and lack of compassion in the world.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you?

Appreciate it, never take life for granted. We are more fortunate than most and for no good reason, so enjoy life and strive to make the world that little bit better every day.

How would you like to be remembered?

As being happy, because I know I will only be completely happy if my life is centred around the things that mean the most to me: family, friends and kindness.

That might have been a dull read but I don't care, it was extremely cathartic. I would recommend anyone does the same thing, it puts life into perspective a little and helps you to see what is important to you and what you need in your life to be happy. (And clearly in my case that is a girl who makes the most of life, wants children and doesn't mind going on top.)

Peel the label, tell a fable.

Peel theI said I would write a blog on my philosophesis in life towards the end of last year. Here it is. If you're particularly religious and easily offended then I'd recommend you stop reading. And if you're one of those people who like to languish in faux outrage you should stop reading as well. (Or better yet, you should lighten the fuck up.) This blog may be some or all of ignorant, dismissive and disrespectful and for that I apologise. It also contains some choice language but that's pretty in keeping with everything else I've written/said. For the following please think of me not as Patrick but as Plato.

I will start with faith. I think there are five types of faith:
1) Faith from familiarity: I was raised as a Christian so were I to follow a religion it would most likely be Christianity. If I were raised a Muslim, it would be Islam. That's not to say I think God is more plausible than Allah or vice versa, it's just because that's what I know.
2) Faith from optimism: I think some people believe in the hope that their faith will be rewarded and their lives will get better.
3) Faith from fear: I think some people are scared that if they said they didn't have faith then things would get worse.

(Two and three would make for a pretty lousy God. If God could help but was only willing to if we adorn him with praise then he would essentially be a prostitute, albeit a hooker offering different services in exchange for a different currency. And I've never heard of anybody who's got an STI from God either.)

4) Faith from belief: Undoubtedly a lot of people do genuinely believe in a God.
5) Faith for comfort: It's nice to think there is somebody out there who is listening to us during times of difficulty. I think everyone has this faith to an extent, we all wish for something and I think it is this faith we are wishing to.

That all sounds very negative but I do not mean it to be so. I have faith, just not religious faith. I believe in a 'God', a higher power. I don't believe this God made the world in seven days, or that this God is a he, and certainly not that this God has a big white beard. I believe in dualism; I think the soul is separate from the body and will continue to live beyond our earthly lives. (Which is why I'm such a good person, I know I cannot rely on my good looks forever.)

Next, religion. Though I am not religious I think religion can be and is a great force for good. At the heart of most religions is community, compassion and charity. Would the world be a better place without religion? Absolutely not. It would be far more lonely and far less kind. (Would my Sunday mornings as a child have been better without religion? Absolutely. I could have stayed in bed.)

My unease with religion is all of the ritual and worshipping of a God. Qualities are attributed to someone, something, we know nothing about. If you believe and it helps you then all the better for you, if you do not believe then it all seems a bit nonsensical. I think it's a story that got a little out of hand but the moral message still stands. (I imagine Jesus and his disciples had a lock in at the pub one night and thought it would be a laugh. The bottles probably didn't have labels on back then but a fable was told all the same.)

Next, moral behaviour. Don't be a cunt. That's all you need to do. Cunt-ish behaviour incorporates so much of the evil, selfishness and cruelty that occurs in this world of ours. Of course there are degrees of such activity and it takes many forms but it is in essence being a cunt and the world would be so much better without it.

Next up (nearly there), justice. I don't believe justice or fairness exists in this world. That makes me sad but it is honestly how I feel.

Finally, happiness. Until you find it, life is the pursuit of happiness and once you have found it, enjoy, cherish and spread happiness. Smile, laugh, appreciate life, find beauty in everything you can. What ever you believe one thing is true; no one leaves this world alive so make the most of it. True happiness will never necessitate you breaking your moral responsibilities. Surrounding yourself with the people you love most makes you happy. (Admittedly alcohol can make you happier still.)

That was all a bit serious. I imagine these musings will one day be studied as part of an A-Level in Philosophy. Perhaps I will one day be thought of as highly as the likes of Socrates,  Kant and Descartes. Or perhaps you all think I'm even stupider than you already did. But if so don't say anything nasty or else, as per moral behaviour above, you would in fact be declaring yourself as a cunt.

Fix Up, Look Sharp

Part I: Fix Up

I'm getting better. I've known it for the last month or so but haven't really acknowledged it. It's slow, almost unnoticeable, but I am growing stronger. And I should make mountains out of these molehills because you have to be able to walk before you can run.* In April once the nurse had returned my stem cells he said, 'You are now reborn.' I didn't really understand what he meant, partly because I was naive as to how long a process my recovery would be and partly because he was a little eccentric so it wasn't out of character to dramatise the event. But now I realise my body has to repair itself and my immune system must learn how to protect me. (An excellent start would not be to attack itself as it did to get me into this mess.)

(That was the same nurse who referred to me as 'Patrick my darling', until in the midst of a particularly unpleasant fever I said, 'I'm not your fucking darling', from which point I was 'Patrick my dear.' Lovely bloke as it happens, if ever you see a rotund, almost certainly gay, Iranian man with a great fondness for cake in central London buy him a slice on me please.)

Next, I'm getting the Deep Brain Stimulation towards the end of December (20th)! This is potentially amazing, it means my tremors will hopefully stop when the battery is turned on in early January. That would mean I am able to rejoin the workforce which would be massive for my self esteem. (And I can start repaying some of the money I owe to the NHS in taxes, it will certainly be over £100,000 by now.) I will also be able to lead a much more normal life and even drink a pint without a straw! (Although in truth the tremors have been slightly useful when it comes to drinking. I always get bottles of lager while everyone else gets a pint so I drink less than they do and it is a little less apparent how much of a lightweight I am.)

It's not quick, it's not fun but I am beginning to fix up.

Part II: Look Sharp

No improvement required. My good looks (and modesty) are amongst my greatest assets.

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A short blog. I really only wrote it so I could make a sarcastic comment about being a little bit attractive. And Fix Up Look Sharp by Dizzee Rascal is a brilliant track. (Admittedly it's pop, not hip-hop.)

* To waste a bit more of all of our time I thought I'd whinge about something. I hate sayings/phrases being used in the middle of conversation. I hope you realised in the sentence ending in an * above I used two common sayings. What's the point in them? 

A few more examples:
1) Try everything once: I went to Gay Pride in Sunderland a few weeks back. I was meant to be volunteering at the City of Culture stall but I didn't know where it was. I walked up and down the street by myself looking for it, Hey Big Spender was blasting out of the speakers when a man in drag and on stilts asked me if I'd like a photo. I decided that would be a good time to leave. Try everything once? No thanks.

2) Back to the drawing board: Are you an artist? No? Shut up then.
3) Boys will be boys: He's acting the twat, something which, unbelievable though it may sound, isn't a pre-requisite of being mail.

4) It takes two to tango: Someone's slagging it about.

I like to be open and honest and I like others to be the same with me. (Unless you're being nasty, then I don't want to talk to you at all.) I can be and I am tactful if necessary. ('Do I look fat in this?' type scenarios.) But why use a phrase when you could just openly say what you're trying to say anyway? If something could be misunderstood then someone will misunderstand it, some people aren't the sharpest tools in the shed. (Obviously that was irony, I of course mean some people are stupid.)

Scream if you wanna go faster baby.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! If only it was that easy. Not the best of songs either, the Spice Girls were proof that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. I've just Google Image searched them (Leave me alone, I'm bored.) and they looked horrendous! I'm pretty sure I looked cooler than that in the late 90s. In fact I know I did because there is a photo of me in a luminous green Diadora t-shirt. Beckham definitely chose the right one mind. (Of course he did, he's perfect.)

I find myself wishing my life away. Everyone does it to an extent, living for the weekend, willing payday to come sooner, counting down the days until a holiday. It'd be nice to live in the moment but since it's rubbish at the moment I might as well think about the future.

Everything takes sooo long, I feel like I'm in a never ending queue. The British are said to be very good at queueing and it's a good job, let's just say if I was French there'd be a lot of shouting and throwing of beréts. But I'm not, I'm British, so I don't say anything to anybody who could possibly help and instead I just whinge about it in private. It's nice to be nice but unfortunately I think it's probably more productive to be a complete twat.

It's coming up to 6 months since the stem cell transplant and I barely notice any difference. I saw Babs, or Barbara to her face, last week and she said she could see improvements. One of those was in my voice but I hadn't even realised there was a problem with that in the first place. (And I still can't sing. And Siri still doesn't have a clue what I'm saying half the time. And well done you if you said, 'The problem with your voice is that it talks.' Very original.) I saw the physio as well and she's given me some exercises but it's hard to believe they'll help much with my walking. It feels about as productive as putting a plaster on an neck which has had its head chopped off. And the wait goes on for deep brain stimulation. I sound like a broken record but actually I'm much worse, I'm a broken person!

It would be good if you could fast forward, rewind, pause and play life. It took me until the end of that sentence to realise that already has a name, time travelling. Did any of you watch that documentary series Bernard's Watch? (I'm pretty sure it was a documentary. And the Queen's Nose 50p coin exists as well right?) I'd like one of those watches and I'd use it for better things than Bernard ever did, he would pause time if he forgot his homework or something. (And because I was a bit of a geek at school I never forgot my homework so wouldn't need the watch for that anyway. That's right kids, stick in at school, do your homework and maybe you too can become an unemployed 25-year-old living with your parents.)

I wouldn't abuse my new found time travelling capabilities, I'd just travel a few months into the future. It would be a bit like starting a book at chapter 2, I still want mysteries ahead but I'm not really bothered about all this scene setting before anything really gets going. (Or if you're not a reader, a bit like starting a relationship in bed. None of the flirting, texting, dating before you even get to see her boobs.)

There was a slogan on the wall at the gym I used to go to which said, 'The journey is more important than the destination.' What a load of bollocks, journeys consist of waiting around, getting tired from doing nothing and playing I spy. Whatever my destination is it had better be worth this journey. And there had better be boobs.