Shake It Out

This post will undoubtedly come across as a massive whinge but actually it is intended to inform. Inform you of how frustrating, restricting and demoralising intention tremors are. So yeah, it's a massive whinge.

Basically I have no tremors when I am sat still but as soon as I try to do something my arms and hands begin shaking. The harder I try the more they shake. A bit like a staring contest: the fact you are trying not to blink makes you want to blink all the more. I say "a bit like" because not blinking for a while isn't really comparable to dexterity.

I am (Was?) right handed. Predictably the tremors are worse on my right hand side. Sod's law. (By the way, who is Sod? And who put him in charge? He's clearly a dick.) I have tremors in my legs, torso and head sometimes as well. I'm like a vibrator you can't switch off!

A list of things I either cannot do at all or struggle to do:

Use cutlery (see video on Facebook)
Cook
Use scissors
Drink (see video on Facebook)
Brush teeth
Pay with cash
Use Chip and pin
Withdraw money from a. cashpoint
Write
Use a computer mouse
Use a keyboard
Use a touch screen
Zip up a jacket
Button up a shirt
Tie shoelaces
Tie a tie
Put a key into a doorlock
Carry anything that could spill/slip/fall
Shave
Cut finger/toenails

That list is far from comprehensive, I've come to realise we use our hands for pretty much everything. (Apart from walking. Which I'm not very good at either. Can probably blame Sod for that one as well. I bet he's short; this whole 'acting like a twat' is a blatant sign of little man syndrome.)

I'm getting the DBS next month to hopefully fix these tremors and I'm terrified. Not of the surgery, I'd be worried if one of you were drilling into my brain but fortunately it'll be a doctor. I'm terrified of whether or not it is going to work because that is far from guaranteed. My MS consultant doesn't think it will. The team carrying out the procedure are much more hopeful. I'm getting the latest hardware, directional leads, in my brain which they think will really help. (You probably don't know what I mean by directional leads. And if you do would you tell me please?)

These 'directional leads' are not yet MRI compatible though so whatever the outcome I won't be able to have any more treatment for at least 18 months, when they are expected to get MRI approval. And actually, there isn't any more treatment for the tremors out there. I'm sure there will be in time but right now this is my only hope. That's scary.

My mam and dad are stars for just putting up with me: I get hugely frustrated at my lack of independence. Living as I do is not sustainable. Everyone I know is very understanding but I feel totally inadequate. This upcoming surgery is make or break.

This post ended on a bit of a downer so I will have a look for a silver lining to the tremors. Number one, drinking through a straw means no tea/coffee touches my teeth so they stay nice and white. Number two, I have a genuine excuse not to do any DIY. Once the tremors have been fixed then I will have to make one up because I am completely useless at anything like that. As far as I'm concerned a spirit level is how much vodka I've drunk.